mothering

it's what i do. it's what i love to do, and it's what i've wanted to do longer than i can remember wanting anything else.

liam has been sick this week. it started on thursday, with a horrifying episode of croup upon waking from his afternoon nap. after a reassuring call to my aunt nancy, i felt confident about homeopathic remedies at home to treat his symptoms. i went ahead and saw our doctor the next morning, and she said the same thing.

so began the hot baths and steamy showers while we hung out as long as we could stand it in the bathroom. "baby massages" before pajamas (this is a chest, back and neck rubdown of baby mentholatum, which has eucalyptus and lavender instead.) a spoonful of honey before bed. and, although not homeopathic, is totally effective: a dose of ibuprofen to reduce the swelling in his throat.

these remedies helped get us through a weekend of fun in wichita. liam has a pretty incredible immune system anyway, but these things helped alleviate the annoyance of his croup/cold/cough/whatever. he learned quickly how to sneeze/cough into his sleeve. then wondered why he couldn't just go ahead and use his sleeve instead of a tissue for everything else. touché, liam. the logic escapes me now as well, but i still prefer to throw most of your germs away.

as i lay in bed with liam last night, breathing in the comforting smells of his chest rub, holding his hand until he drifted off, i realized how liam will never remember any of this. not in a tangible way.

i know that my mom and dad nursed me through being sick, although like liam, being ill didn't happen very often. i don't know that they did this through some direct intact memory. it's more of something i can tap into immediately when liam needs me. you don't need as much sleep. you get magical doses of patience and understanding. you body instinctively sits your coughing child up in bed. this is just what you do. and that is what makes me think, know, that i was cared for the same way. maybe not in the hippie remedies, but in my parents own gentle way. (it's not the stuff you dispense, but the love you give with it.)

i think if the opposite was true, there would be a hole inside me instead. i would know without a doubt that i had missed out on something important. so while it saddens me a bit that liam won't really remember these close mothering times, i know in another way he will. it will just become a part of him.

liam, the toddler

i know you are a toddler now for many reasons. one is the fact that i can no longer do laundry without inspecting every article of your clothing for dirt, markers, strawberries, etc. and then pre-treating said stains. this is something new for me, but i'm getting used to it.

you are changing so much! for the last few months, your answer to all questions was an emphatic "yeah!" now, it is interspersed with no, yes, and truck. you certainly know what you want and do not want. you shake your hand out of my grasp, stating "self!". this means, "no thank you, mom, i would like to do this all by myself." i oblige you as much as possible, as long as you are safe.

the reason for today's blog was to write down this thing you do ALL THE TIME that kind of drives me crazy, but once you stop, i know i will miss it. you are still nursing, and this is how you prefer to fall asleep for naps and nighttime. when we are lying together, you put your little fingers all over my face until they find the little mole above my lip. this comforts you. it annoys me. but if i move your hand away, you unlatch and say "mole!!". so that is all, little liam. i probably do many things that annoy you, and when your vocabulary is adequate, you will tell me what they are. when i stop doing them, maybe you will miss them, too. maybe not.

in the grand scheme of things concerning toddler behavior, i think your dad and i have it pretty easy. you are a really neat kid, and we are lucky to have you in our family. your mole obsession and all.

blog? what blog?

apparently it takes having a sick kid at home and doing absolutely nothing all day to get me to blog. we have had a super busy first half of 2009. this has included:

• a trip to mexico
• buying our first home
• liam and i starting to work at our fellowship in the afternoons
• me increasing my commitments to LLL

the new house is great and spacious. we have had many, many house guests already. i am glad that we can be a place for people to visit, relax, and recharge.

liam is 20.5 months old and incredibly amazing. he wins hearts and makes friends where ever we go. he loves his friends of all ages - but mimi is definitely his best friend. it is always a better day when we can spend time with her and missy. he loves tractors, trucks, airplanes, and all construction equipment. his gender identity seems pretty solidly "boy". he is combining words into sentences:

• more wabi! (this means more ice)
• there you go
• help, mommy
  
• i can help you
• water too hot
• daddy car all gone
• daddy at work
• drink water
• other side

well, you get the point. i have stopped listing the words he knows. it's a lot. it makes everything so much easier. especially today, when he is sick. he is able to tell me when he is hot, thirsty, what he wants to eat (ice and soup) and when, and what hurts (his hair [he probably means head] and his tummy).

liam's illness is what really prompted this blog today. i am so grateful that colin and i have chosen to structure and prioritize our life the way we have. this morning when liam awoke at 6am with a fever, all we had to do was focus on making him comfortable. i got him some ice water and ibuprophen, then followed his lead on the rest of the day. he wanted to nurse around 7:30, and we ended up sleeping until colin came home for lunch at 11. housework is abandoned for the day while liam and i snuggle on the couch watching movies about tractors and farm animals. we will clean later, run errands later, cook real food later. this down time together has to do as much good for him as the ice and ibuprophen.

others who choose a different family structure are forced to miss work, possibly argue about who has to take care of the sick kiddo, who did it last time, whose time is more important, etc. this path is not always easy, but i wouldn't trade it for anything. thanks, colin, for supporting our family in so many ways.

hope

i don't like to often admit it, but many parts of being a parent are scary and selfish. we bring another human being into the world, with all it's shortcomings, and hope for the best. sometimes you wonder if it's worth it - the legacy our children will inherit. you start to understand why others never have children. you would fiercely protect your child from all harm, and yet so many things are beyond your control.

now i am more hopeful than ever. i'm not going to have to rip my family from our culture to resettle somewhere else where things are supposedly better. i truly believe that the world will look at our country differently soon. i believe that diplomacy will win out over future unknown wars. i believe that we have chosen to raise our son within a country whose values are compatible with our own. i don't fear the future so much now. and i am proud to have done my part to bring about this change.

thanks, mr. obama.

we're all in this together

arriving home last night from a quick visit to my family in salina, i hopped on my support group's message board to catch up on the last 24 hours. one of the moms in our group has a son struggling to learn to breastfeed and gain weight. she has 4 other kiddos that need her, too. her son is too little for the baby carriers she has, and she isn't making enough milk since baby isn't nursing well. i stopped by friday to give her carriers to try from missy and me. another mom dropped a different style off yesterday. many moms are pulling out their pumps so they can donate milk, while other working moms are donating from their frozen stockpiles for their own babies.

this mom is working so hard to give her baby what he needs. i am humbled by the love our group shows each other. i am also saddened to think of other mothers in our community that may have similar struggles, but do not have the support that we do. i am so grateful to be part of such a wonderful group of people.

critical mass

last night we joined up with a group of cyclists and rode all around topeka - on the "real" streets. the group is critical mass, and everyone was super cool. missy's fiance partakes on these friday night rides often, and we thought we would have fun, too. luckily, liam is a really easy going kid and didn't have any issues being in his trailer for 45 minutes straight. if only the car was this easy...

you take the good, you take the bad....

last thursday, as i walked missy and mimi out to their bike, i discovered that ours were missing. mine and liam's, colin's, and one we borrowed from nikki and scotty. grrr! what an awful feeling! i made the police report, and called the nearby pawn shops and out to boyle's. no luck. that was our preferred method of transportation. it's just stuff, but it made us feel pretty violated. we are getting a security system (colin wants this yesterday...) if you have any company suggestions, please let me know.

luckily, we have renter's insurance. our deductible is the cost of my trike alone, so we filed a claim. we had the money to go ahead and replace them, so we went shopping on saturday at capp's. i tested many bikes and fell in love with this one. it's really light weight, and pulling liam's new trailer is a piece of cake! colin picked out a new bike as well, and he finds it very comfortable. we've decided that the theft has turned out to be a wonderful event. we still don't know what our compensation will be with our insurance, but whatever it is, it's worth it. we didn't know how good it could be! yes, i loved our trike. it made me feel very safe, and liam was so little when i got it, i couldn't have handled him being so far away. as others might say, everything happens for a reason. me, i think things just happen, and then you have to choose how you react to those things.

we went on a ride to sonja's house tuesday evening, and passed another cyclist. he flagged us down and informed us that in order to keep liam safe, i needed to wear a reflective vest. he then took his off and gave it to me. it was very humbling, and made me feel wonderful that a stranger would care so much about another person. i thanked him and put it on. it made me feel safer! i hope our paths cross again. he happened to be deaf, and i wished i would have signed "thank you". but i didn't. maybe next time.

today our pediatrician called to inform us that liam's lead level is 8.5. once it reaches 10, an inspector from the state comes to your house because your child is at risk for developmental issues. sucky. i think it's coming from the windows in our house. so i get to wipe down the sills, mop, and vacuum daily. we're also going to wash all of our draperies and replace our mini-blinds. i need to wash his little hands before eating and sleeping. then liam gets his blood drawn again in six months. luckily, we'll still be nursing then, so it will be a piece of cake. hopefully his levels will be lower by then. if not, i guess we'll look into moving...i don't know what else to do!

liam is walking nearly all the time now. we officially have a toddler! he has the greatest grin, and is still a very joyful kid. i feel that the strong-willed changes of toddlerhood are just around the corner, so i'm trying to enjoy this easy time while we have it.