mothering

it's what i do. it's what i love to do, and it's what i've wanted to do longer than i can remember wanting anything else.

liam has been sick this week. it started on thursday, with a horrifying episode of croup upon waking from his afternoon nap. after a reassuring call to my aunt nancy, i felt confident about homeopathic remedies at home to treat his symptoms. i went ahead and saw our doctor the next morning, and she said the same thing.

so began the hot baths and steamy showers while we hung out as long as we could stand it in the bathroom. "baby massages" before pajamas (this is a chest, back and neck rubdown of baby mentholatum, which has eucalyptus and lavender instead.) a spoonful of honey before bed. and, although not homeopathic, is totally effective: a dose of ibuprofen to reduce the swelling in his throat.

these remedies helped get us through a weekend of fun in wichita. liam has a pretty incredible immune system anyway, but these things helped alleviate the annoyance of his croup/cold/cough/whatever. he learned quickly how to sneeze/cough into his sleeve. then wondered why he couldn't just go ahead and use his sleeve instead of a tissue for everything else. touché, liam. the logic escapes me now as well, but i still prefer to throw most of your germs away.

as i lay in bed with liam last night, breathing in the comforting smells of his chest rub, holding his hand until he drifted off, i realized how liam will never remember any of this. not in a tangible way.

i know that my mom and dad nursed me through being sick, although like liam, being ill didn't happen very often. i don't know that they did this through some direct intact memory. it's more of something i can tap into immediately when liam needs me. you don't need as much sleep. you get magical doses of patience and understanding. you body instinctively sits your coughing child up in bed. this is just what you do. and that is what makes me think, know, that i was cared for the same way. maybe not in the hippie remedies, but in my parents own gentle way. (it's not the stuff you dispense, but the love you give with it.)

i think if the opposite was true, there would be a hole inside me instead. i would know without a doubt that i had missed out on something important. so while it saddens me a bit that liam won't really remember these close mothering times, i know in another way he will. it will just become a part of him.